Every week I write and article for the Euro Weekly News, an English-speaking newspaper covering all the major resorts of Spain and the Balearics. You can pick up a copy on a Thursday ... or read it here every week. |
Thursday 10 January 2008
Now then - If you're all sitting comfortably, I'll begin our New Year as I intend to continue. I purposely describe it as 'our' because the first race under careful scrutiny, as they begin to meander from Leapy's peripheral to full frontal, is without a doubt the Chinese - who in typical fashion have 'new years' unique only to themselves! These people, who introduced us to Chop Suey, dragons and eating with pencils, are without doubt some of the oddest inhabitants this globular space ship of ours has ever thrown up. What we have to take on board however is the fact that however odd they may appear to us, the feeling must be reciprocated in their observance of our own western fraternity. Was it not Nostradamus who warned us to 'beware the yellow races crossing the Euphrates', or words of that ilk? (I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong!) Well I think we should be girding our loins for this exact possibility. As we observe this growing immigration of 'eastern promise', one thing is absolutely fer sure; they are highly suspicious of us lot. Try complaining too strongly in a Chinese restaurant (particularly about the bill) and you could well find yourself being chased out the door by a screaming, extremely irate procession of employees, at least one of whom will be the chef brandishing a meat cleaver. Mind you, I have plenty of time for the, generally polite, Chinese restaurateurs whose food I have a distinct passion for. It's this new'ish breed of oriental shopkeepers I find most disconcerting. If you want to know exactly how a shoplifter feels, try escaping from the 'down the collar' scrutiny that latches on to you the minute you set foot in one of their tacky gift shops. I recently observed one extremely confused old boy actually being made to open his tobacco pouch for some gibbering 'shop walker' to peer into. When no contraband came to light, there was no apology, merely an accusing glare of beady slits boring into his back as he made a thankful and hasty exit. I can only assume the Chinese are either used to being surrounded by thieves and restaurant dissenters in their own country, or they are brainwashed to expect all us 'round eyes' to be utterly untrustworthy. What has brought all this tirade on I hear you asking yourselves? Well, to tell the truth it was the recent TV coverage of their preparations for the approaching Beijing Olympics. They are actually in the process of 'training' one million people how to react to the unprecedented influx of foreigners about to descend on their previously insular, secretive and undoubtedly suspicious enclave - and these preparations are somewhat odd to say the least. For example, thousands are actually being taught how to clap, and cheer on their sporting participants. This entails unison clapping with correctly positioned palms and also the synchronized banging together of those long sponges; (probably invented and manufactured by themselves) that have become so popular over the last few years. The accompanying chants are also being carefully orchestrated and rehearsed by thousands of people in vast arenas all across the country. The thing that struck me as the oddest of all however was the police and security forces being taught how to smile! In the most mind boggling exercise of all a chopstick is place horizontally between the teeth. The grimace this produces is, according to their tutors, the perfect symmetrical smile. (Anyone with slightly crooked teeth will no doubt give you a Clint Eastwood if you get my drift). So now, not only do they all look the same to western eyes but all smile the same, cheer the same and clap the same. When they are all no doubt dressed the same to me they really do present an extremely disquieting entity of oneness - which I suppose is not such a bad thing as long as they're not all in army uniform! Believe me that would make the Taliban look like a bunch of pussies. A 'Euphrates crossing' I hope I never have to witness in my own particular time span! As a final note, not having participated, I never did discovered the answer to the rumour that abounded during my schooldays about Chinese girls - ah well, I'm sure some of you have discovered the truth! - say goodbye Leapy. Next week - The Germans. Have a good one. Keep on strutting, and whatever ya do - Always keep the faith. Love Leapy |
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